Bored or so

well...

new team, new stuff blabla. yap, still alive.
next month i'll go for one day back to my hometown, visiting the grave of my aunt and my grannie, whos 90s birthday would have been then.

and then lots of alcohol ôO

me & myself & i listing

[x] arrogant
[x] selfcentered
[x] egoistic
[x] loyal
[x] fighter
[x] faithful
[x] honest
[x] lier
[x] masking
[x] being real
[x] drinker / smoker / having sex ôO
[x] not fanatic, but fan
[x] tired as hell

[x] good night =)

I'm not religious

‘I was brought up as a Buddhist. The monks taught me that the spiritual road was one of constant renunciation: we must overcome our feelings of envy and hatred, any doubts about our faith and any desires. I managed to free myself from all of that until one day my heart was empty; my sins had all disappeared, but so had my human nature. At first, I was very pleased, but I came to realise that I no longer shared the joys and passions of the people around me. That was when I abandoned religion. Now I have my conflicts, my moments of rage and despair, but I know that I am once more close to other people and, therefore, close to God.’

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm”

Decision made. Taking a time out from one of the things in my life which make me at the moment sadder then happier. where to go, what to do, who to be?

i'm on my way... finding my strength again, finding me again. realising that some fights with others and within myself are not important, but silly time-stealing rubbish.


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1.) i always said i keep my promises till the bitter end. this time i won't. at least a break for one month, then i see what happens... if something happens... what i don't think anyway.

almost one year ago i was exactly on the same point. standing there, saying to myself "just one more try and then i screw it". i drove to slovenia, said my things, expecting changes, for work, for private, for myself. those changes seemed to happen... but it was just make-up on the surface. nothing really changed. just the person who were acting, but not the roles in which they were acting. staying the same. “History always repeats itself twice: first time as tragedy, second time as farce.” so... i just have to decide if it's now the tragedy or the farce. i think it's the farce, since i had the same struggle before with the manager.

i don't know what i'm up to. working base? then leave the private stuff out. then it's just work. private base? then we quit working. mixure? no problem for me since i can PERFECTLY seperate between working-me, concert-me and private me. (nope no fan-me oô this role never fitted to me. i'm not fanatic). but others can not seperate.

so what to do? being like my *friend* who goes now to slovenia, being when she's talking with me, angry about the behaviour, saying she quits, but she doesn't and when it comes to problems, leaving it to ME to talk about, because i can't lie... i can't play ... okay i can play a role but i don't want to. i don't want to play the *everything is okay* game, when something is going wrong. i don't want to play the *i do everything for you* game, when i'm not in that kind of mood, when i don't mean it 100%.
of course it's easier for her. she has me. i argue, i fight. she gets the good things then without any effort, because it was me who shouted. not my role anymore.

don't get me wrong my dear readers =) *hugs petra & lam* *waves the others*. i don't want gifts. i don't want machine wrote paper telling me thanks. what i want? clear boarders, kept promises, a clear *what is it now*. as i said. working + private is okay, but then i have some expectations. a note that somebody has no time, when there is no time. a short "hey how are you". small talk *shrugs*. if it's just work... cut that out but cut everything private out. even the *thank you* weeks later. a forced thanks is a written FU. nothing else.

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2.) i don't like it when people have a pic of me in their mind. that prevents them from seeing ME.
there was one person, quiet interesting on the first talk, even more interesting on the second... and one of the persons who (as i think) can't seperate between work and private. "i like you.... on a working base". nice ôO imagine: i can even work with people i dislike. anyway. on a working base =/= private base =/= private contact. if the private contact is giving i am private. then i expect a fragging "don't have time but read your mail" note. a "how are you" without me asking. interest in my person... in the whole person. the deep thinking one, the small talk one, the sad and the happy one. if there is no interest... no private contact. i'm not a person who is there for others only when they are sad or need someone to talk. if somebody needs that: seek a psychologist. it's not my job. of course i like deep talking. who knows me, knows it's the best time for me. but not always. yes i expect something. but not anymore from that person. working base. that's it. that's what that person wants... i guess... because he's not talking to me. i don't want that shit. i don't want to be the one to always give the impuls.

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so anyway anyhow. the best things to get me away are:

breaking promises.
no real boarders or rules.
no interest in ME.
coming only to me when there's something to do for me.

no. i don't want that shit. maybe i talk other way, when i'm done finding myself. maybe after moving. i don't think so. of course the impuls i want to hear can come, and maybe i am then in the mood to give it another try. i don't know.

but no silly games right now.

...

And so it will be, until a man emerges who is meant to become the Great One. And, if he chooses the side of Light, then Light will win. But, those, to whom the truth has been revealed, say that he will choose Darkness. For it is easier to kill the Light within oneself, than to scatter the Darkness around... The prophecies are coming true.

Geser / Nochnoj Dozor

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us”

Today is my moms birthday. hard day, hard time.
what's the best to do? beside sendin sms "hey, should i be earlier at your place? love you"?

being there. holding tight. showing love.

“They can't hurt you unless you let them.”

survived 3. root channel treatment =) one left. pain is pleasure -.-'