Next Tuesday i start

>>The Iaidoka (a practitioner of iaido) wields a sword: not to control the opponent, but to control himself.<<

(pic by http://www.iaido.com.ve/)

bad news are sometimes very slow

yesterday i found the PIN of my aunts mobile and called the numbers in the telephone book to make sure they all know that she died... in january.
of course (life is a bitch -.-) most of them didn't. esp. an older man was very sad by the news.
he got to know my aunt in chile. she was there after the first attack of the cancer, where the docs said that she would survive by 2%. well... she survived that, and made a trip for 3 weeks through chile on the horseback. he and his wife met her in a hostel led by germans. and a week later somewhere on the street.
the first thing this man said was: "but she was such a fighter"

yes she was! that's what gives me strength for the things i face at the moment. knowing what she did with and between the cancer illnesses... there are my horrortrips in this weeks just kids play :)
and i manage everything :)

Tonight we fly

Over the houses
The streets and the trees
Over the dogs down below
They'll bark at our shadows
As we float by on the breeze

Tonight we fly
Over the chimney tops
Skylights and slates -
Looking into all your lives
And wondering why
Happiness is so hard to find

Over the doctor, over the soldier
Over the farmer, over the poacher
Over the preacher, over the gambler
Over the teacher, over the rambler
Over the lawyer, over the dancer
Over the voyeur,over the builder and the destroyer,
Over the hills and far away

Tonight we fly
Over the mountains
The beach and the sea
Over the friends that we've known
And those that we now know
And those who we've yet to meet

And when we die Oh, will we be That disappointed Or sad If heaven doesn't exist What will we have missed This life is the best we've ever had

silence in the dark

"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

/ Tolstoj

Some years ago i used to say that i have the best of all families. Everybody is loving and caring. Okay... there's in every family somebody who's annoying you like hell, but that's the way it is.

After the death of my aunt and my grandma everything changed.

Maybe it's just true what others say: "You get to know your family not by the celebrations but by the tragedies".

Almost everybody is now bitching bout the money, the furnitures, the heritage itself, the problems with terminate the tenancy agreement of my aunt, my cousin and his former girlfriend (mother of his two daughters) are fighting about the kitchen furnitures of my aunt, he's also just making bullshit with the car & credit cards which we (my mom and me) couldn't terminate... because we didn't have the legal allowance to do something.

The worst part is that i can't get over it by now because we have to go like once a week to my aunts appartement to get papers and stuff. Everytime the same feeling when i see the sign below the bell... tears coming up, memories of the day she died, the crying, the anger, the self-reproaches.

i didn't have much contact with her in her last months. not much contact as i wanted but more then i could take. i couldn't play strong and funny. i couldn't take her knowing that i'd rather cry about her than talking about my day. i couldn't take the fake smile i put on when i entered the hospital and the real tears when i left. i couldn't take seeing her fighting... knowing that she won't win. but i went to her at least every two weeks. or more when i was strong enough. she knew i was coming back that morning. and she died before i was there. my mom said to me that she maybe died because she didn't want me to see
her dying like that.
and i keep asking myself:

did she love me so much? or did she love me so less that she didn't want
to see me?

and i wonder if i ever get over that.

A Scanner Darkly

What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me, into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly, because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again. I'll only wind up dead this way, knowing very little, and getting that little fragment wrong too.

Disturbing movie somehow.

link klick

hmpf

bewitching

mine.

again one coelho book that found its way to me when i was in dark moods.

hopefully the next one will come when i'm in high spirits.


still waiting / hoping.

wonders appear. every now and then.

somebody said to me today

Always follow your dreams and fight for them with faith.

thanks

Truth

“A cynic is a (wo)man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”

mind and heart

my mind tells me to stop hoping.

my heart tells me... that if i stop hoping it will simply break.

heart or mind? what is worth more?

some months ago i would have said: the mind!
but noticing the heart, even when it's in grief... is worth everything.

and so i go on hoping.

Maktub by coelho

It is easy to be difficult. All we have to do is stay away from people, and in that way, avoid suffering. That way, we don't have to risk love, disappointment, frustrated dreams. It is easy to be difficult. We don't have to be concerned about phone calls we should have made, people who ask us for help, charity that should be extended. It is easy to be difficult. We just have to pretend that we live in an ivory tower, and never shed a tear. We just have to spend the rest of our lives playing a role. It is easy to be difficult. All we have to do is reject everything good that life offers.

reality bites

so today we were in the flat of my aunt.

half of her belongings went somehow away (i guess that somehow has to do with my cousin), including master card, visa card etc.

then there were several letters... including one from the police telling that the car of my aunt was caught by a speed cam... 3.5 months after her death.

i know it might sound crazy but at first i thought that my family somehow fooled me... that it was untrue that she's dead. scary thing.

then i saw the pic made by the cam. it was my cousin in my aunt's car. and the very same night he also caused an accident.

wtf is wrong with that guy?

and my other aunts are bitching the whole time about the heritage of my aunt. as if it is fun for my mom and me to go back to the flat of my aunt again and again.

everytime my heart breaks a bit more.

“Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.”

today my mom and me will go to the flat of my aunt. we can finally start to clean up, putting all things together etc.

i don't want to go there.

no ma'am

could i...

stop checking my mails?


no.

sad to say so.