Although we're apart....

i feel you



the coast where he sings is a part of Rügen, which is in the baltic sea... just a few kilometres from my old home town

In Vino Veritas

What is it that sometimes leads me into feeling superior to the people i see on the street?
today i walked from my mom to a party, listening to music, drivin in the sub, walkin again... and every time i met somebodys eyes i had this little pitying smile on my lips which i love so much, this arrogant look in my eyes saying "awww poor little human, do you feel lost? you're gonna die soon anyway"

not that i feel immortal, hell no, i'm (to my pity honestly) totally aware of the fact that i'm gonna die. i just feel... superior.

than i stepped into this party... seeing people who drank a lot, who talked to people with a smile on their face and when turning around lookin disgusted like they smelled dead animal.

and again i felt superior. those people play these silly little games people play, trying to win in life. but compared to me they are not aware of it. these little polite smiles you give to persons, the moments you help people you don't like... and you're saying to yourself "i'm just helping". and why? because you feel better than, you feel superior.

and me? sometimes i play these games. sometimes i don't recognise it. but most of the time... WHEN i play it i WANT to play it.

i help people i like. there there are also moments when i say: "listen, i can't answer right now because i might say something we both can't excuse". whoever hear this sentence from me can consider himself as by me seen as a friend.

i also help people i don't like. when i see an advantage for myself. not by saying "i'm such a good person blabla" but by knowing this person can do something for me in return. i call it the bank of complimentary (the words are stolen from coelho). i pay some time in and get something in return. PERIOD. nothing more. nothing less.

then there are people i don't like... who try to push me away from something i do like. who even might not know that they do so.

they play games. games which they will lose. because they just see the person they want to *destroy*. i see the game, the way... and i feel sorry for them and just stop the game. taking the step out. leaving the scene.

it's not running away. it's being fully aware of what is happening with me when i take part at the games the others play. i will become like them. and i don't want that.

why?

there are plenty of them.

but i am who i am. and not what they are.

so =) go, play your silly games, you game players out there. be happy about winning. be sad about losing. i tell you a secret. come closer. real close.

you will die, no matter how many games you won or lost.

and on my deathbed i won't count the fights i fought to win over somebody. but the fights i fought with myself to stay who i am. not how you want me.

good night and sweet dreams drinkers, fighters, losers, winners... and the few... handfull of people i consider as friends. may you always be aware of the honor to be my friends. i will tell you the truth. i will tell you what i think about your doing. honestly. and if i don't... it's just because i don't want to hurt you, i don't want to tell you the things your heart tells you already minute by minute day by day.



There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

Party on

Sooo...

last weekend i was @ the opening party of the famous Kitkat Club

since it was the opening, *normal* street wear was allowed -.-' lots of people came to *have a look*.

the party itself was somehow overrated. well yes there WAS live sex on the dance floor, at the pool aso. but the fine games of erotic playing... nothing there. flirted with some guys, got light for my cigarettes, a bit playing, but still saying "thanks, but no thanks".

not that they weren't good looking (hot to say)... but... two were looking for a dominant woman, and i'm not... at least not in bed. and the others... i'm not just flesh *shrugs* there are women where they can pay for 5 minute sex.

i want more, even from a one-night-stand. a little talking, a little playing, a little "oh you're looking good" or something like that.

Praying

Goddess, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups and to children, it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.

Mindlightning

Amen

stolen from here

miss ya

momentan ist richtig,
momentan ist gut
nichts ist wirklich wichtig
nach der ebbe kommt die flut

am strand des lebens
ohne grund, ohne verstand
ist nichts vergebens
ich bau die träume auf den sand

und es ist, es ist ok
alles auf dem weg,
und es ist sonnenzeit'
unbeschwert und frei

und der mensch heißt mensch
weil er vergisst,
weil er verdrängt
und weil er schwärmt und stillt
weil er wärmt, wenn er erzählt
und weil er lacht,
weil er lebt
du fehlst

11 minutes

"Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending she had seen in films and read about in books. A writer once said that it is not time that changes a man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone's mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin. Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person's whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly."

ouch

root channel treatment can be without pain. experienced last week. or with lot of pain. experienced today

*garg* i want my mom and a hot chocolate and a bandidos >.<