Bored or so

well...

new team, new stuff blabla. yap, still alive.
next month i'll go for one day back to my hometown, visiting the grave of my aunt and my grannie, whos 90s birthday would have been then.

and then lots of alcohol ôO

me & myself & i listing

[x] arrogant
[x] selfcentered
[x] egoistic
[x] loyal
[x] fighter
[x] faithful
[x] honest
[x] lier
[x] masking
[x] being real
[x] drinker / smoker / having sex ôO
[x] not fanatic, but fan
[x] tired as hell

[x] good night =)

I'm not religious

‘I was brought up as a Buddhist. The monks taught me that the spiritual road was one of constant renunciation: we must overcome our feelings of envy and hatred, any doubts about our faith and any desires. I managed to free myself from all of that until one day my heart was empty; my sins had all disappeared, but so had my human nature. At first, I was very pleased, but I came to realise that I no longer shared the joys and passions of the people around me. That was when I abandoned religion. Now I have my conflicts, my moments of rage and despair, but I know that I am once more close to other people and, therefore, close to God.’

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm”

Decision made. Taking a time out from one of the things in my life which make me at the moment sadder then happier. where to go, what to do, who to be?

i'm on my way... finding my strength again, finding me again. realising that some fights with others and within myself are not important, but silly time-stealing rubbish.


________


1.) i always said i keep my promises till the bitter end. this time i won't. at least a break for one month, then i see what happens... if something happens... what i don't think anyway.

almost one year ago i was exactly on the same point. standing there, saying to myself "just one more try and then i screw it". i drove to slovenia, said my things, expecting changes, for work, for private, for myself. those changes seemed to happen... but it was just make-up on the surface. nothing really changed. just the person who were acting, but not the roles in which they were acting. staying the same. “History always repeats itself twice: first time as tragedy, second time as farce.” so... i just have to decide if it's now the tragedy or the farce. i think it's the farce, since i had the same struggle before with the manager.

i don't know what i'm up to. working base? then leave the private stuff out. then it's just work. private base? then we quit working. mixure? no problem for me since i can PERFECTLY seperate between working-me, concert-me and private me. (nope no fan-me oô this role never fitted to me. i'm not fanatic). but others can not seperate.

so what to do? being like my *friend* who goes now to slovenia, being when she's talking with me, angry about the behaviour, saying she quits, but she doesn't and when it comes to problems, leaving it to ME to talk about, because i can't lie... i can't play ... okay i can play a role but i don't want to. i don't want to play the *everything is okay* game, when something is going wrong. i don't want to play the *i do everything for you* game, when i'm not in that kind of mood, when i don't mean it 100%.
of course it's easier for her. she has me. i argue, i fight. she gets the good things then without any effort, because it was me who shouted. not my role anymore.

don't get me wrong my dear readers =) *hugs petra & lam* *waves the others*. i don't want gifts. i don't want machine wrote paper telling me thanks. what i want? clear boarders, kept promises, a clear *what is it now*. as i said. working + private is okay, but then i have some expectations. a note that somebody has no time, when there is no time. a short "hey how are you". small talk *shrugs*. if it's just work... cut that out but cut everything private out. even the *thank you* weeks later. a forced thanks is a written FU. nothing else.

_____________

2.) i don't like it when people have a pic of me in their mind. that prevents them from seeing ME.
there was one person, quiet interesting on the first talk, even more interesting on the second... and one of the persons who (as i think) can't seperate between work and private. "i like you.... on a working base". nice ôO imagine: i can even work with people i dislike. anyway. on a working base =/= private base =/= private contact. if the private contact is giving i am private. then i expect a fragging "don't have time but read your mail" note. a "how are you" without me asking. interest in my person... in the whole person. the deep thinking one, the small talk one, the sad and the happy one. if there is no interest... no private contact. i'm not a person who is there for others only when they are sad or need someone to talk. if somebody needs that: seek a psychologist. it's not my job. of course i like deep talking. who knows me, knows it's the best time for me. but not always. yes i expect something. but not anymore from that person. working base. that's it. that's what that person wants... i guess... because he's not talking to me. i don't want that shit. i don't want to be the one to always give the impuls.

____________________

so anyway anyhow. the best things to get me away are:

breaking promises.
no real boarders or rules.
no interest in ME.
coming only to me when there's something to do for me.

no. i don't want that shit. maybe i talk other way, when i'm done finding myself. maybe after moving. i don't think so. of course the impuls i want to hear can come, and maybe i am then in the mood to give it another try. i don't know.

but no silly games right now.

...

And so it will be, until a man emerges who is meant to become the Great One. And, if he chooses the side of Light, then Light will win. But, those, to whom the truth has been revealed, say that he will choose Darkness. For it is easier to kill the Light within oneself, than to scatter the Darkness around... The prophecies are coming true.

Geser / Nochnoj Dozor

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us”

Today is my moms birthday. hard day, hard time.
what's the best to do? beside sendin sms "hey, should i be earlier at your place? love you"?

being there. holding tight. showing love.

“They can't hurt you unless you let them.”

survived 3. root channel treatment =) one left. pain is pleasure -.-'

Choice

Agent Smith: "Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?"


Neo: "Because I choose to."

The Art Of War

“Let your plans be dark and as impenetratable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

Sun Tzu

Although we're apart....

i feel you



the coast where he sings is a part of Rügen, which is in the baltic sea... just a few kilometres from my old home town

In Vino Veritas

What is it that sometimes leads me into feeling superior to the people i see on the street?
today i walked from my mom to a party, listening to music, drivin in the sub, walkin again... and every time i met somebodys eyes i had this little pitying smile on my lips which i love so much, this arrogant look in my eyes saying "awww poor little human, do you feel lost? you're gonna die soon anyway"

not that i feel immortal, hell no, i'm (to my pity honestly) totally aware of the fact that i'm gonna die. i just feel... superior.

than i stepped into this party... seeing people who drank a lot, who talked to people with a smile on their face and when turning around lookin disgusted like they smelled dead animal.

and again i felt superior. those people play these silly little games people play, trying to win in life. but compared to me they are not aware of it. these little polite smiles you give to persons, the moments you help people you don't like... and you're saying to yourself "i'm just helping". and why? because you feel better than, you feel superior.

and me? sometimes i play these games. sometimes i don't recognise it. but most of the time... WHEN i play it i WANT to play it.

i help people i like. there there are also moments when i say: "listen, i can't answer right now because i might say something we both can't excuse". whoever hear this sentence from me can consider himself as by me seen as a friend.

i also help people i don't like. when i see an advantage for myself. not by saying "i'm such a good person blabla" but by knowing this person can do something for me in return. i call it the bank of complimentary (the words are stolen from coelho). i pay some time in and get something in return. PERIOD. nothing more. nothing less.

then there are people i don't like... who try to push me away from something i do like. who even might not know that they do so.

they play games. games which they will lose. because they just see the person they want to *destroy*. i see the game, the way... and i feel sorry for them and just stop the game. taking the step out. leaving the scene.

it's not running away. it's being fully aware of what is happening with me when i take part at the games the others play. i will become like them. and i don't want that.

why?

there are plenty of them.

but i am who i am. and not what they are.

so =) go, play your silly games, you game players out there. be happy about winning. be sad about losing. i tell you a secret. come closer. real close.

you will die, no matter how many games you won or lost.

and on my deathbed i won't count the fights i fought to win over somebody. but the fights i fought with myself to stay who i am. not how you want me.

good night and sweet dreams drinkers, fighters, losers, winners... and the few... handfull of people i consider as friends. may you always be aware of the honor to be my friends. i will tell you the truth. i will tell you what i think about your doing. honestly. and if i don't... it's just because i don't want to hurt you, i don't want to tell you the things your heart tells you already minute by minute day by day.



There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

Party on

Sooo...

last weekend i was @ the opening party of the famous Kitkat Club

since it was the opening, *normal* street wear was allowed -.-' lots of people came to *have a look*.

the party itself was somehow overrated. well yes there WAS live sex on the dance floor, at the pool aso. but the fine games of erotic playing... nothing there. flirted with some guys, got light for my cigarettes, a bit playing, but still saying "thanks, but no thanks".

not that they weren't good looking (hot to say)... but... two were looking for a dominant woman, and i'm not... at least not in bed. and the others... i'm not just flesh *shrugs* there are women where they can pay for 5 minute sex.

i want more, even from a one-night-stand. a little talking, a little playing, a little "oh you're looking good" or something like that.

Praying

Goddess, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups and to children, it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…

Goddess, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.

Mindlightning

Amen

stolen from here

miss ya

momentan ist richtig,
momentan ist gut
nichts ist wirklich wichtig
nach der ebbe kommt die flut

am strand des lebens
ohne grund, ohne verstand
ist nichts vergebens
ich bau die träume auf den sand

und es ist, es ist ok
alles auf dem weg,
und es ist sonnenzeit'
unbeschwert und frei

und der mensch heißt mensch
weil er vergisst,
weil er verdrängt
und weil er schwärmt und stillt
weil er wärmt, wenn er erzählt
und weil er lacht,
weil er lebt
du fehlst

11 minutes

"Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending she had seen in films and read about in books. A writer once said that it is not time that changes a man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone's mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin. Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person's whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly."

ouch

root channel treatment can be without pain. experienced last week. or with lot of pain. experienced today

*garg* i want my mom and a hot chocolate and a bandidos >.<

Next Tuesday i start

>>The Iaidoka (a practitioner of iaido) wields a sword: not to control the opponent, but to control himself.<<

(pic by http://www.iaido.com.ve/)

bad news are sometimes very slow

yesterday i found the PIN of my aunts mobile and called the numbers in the telephone book to make sure they all know that she died... in january.
of course (life is a bitch -.-) most of them didn't. esp. an older man was very sad by the news.
he got to know my aunt in chile. she was there after the first attack of the cancer, where the docs said that she would survive by 2%. well... she survived that, and made a trip for 3 weeks through chile on the horseback. he and his wife met her in a hostel led by germans. and a week later somewhere on the street.
the first thing this man said was: "but she was such a fighter"

yes she was! that's what gives me strength for the things i face at the moment. knowing what she did with and between the cancer illnesses... there are my horrortrips in this weeks just kids play :)
and i manage everything :)

Tonight we fly

Over the houses
The streets and the trees
Over the dogs down below
They'll bark at our shadows
As we float by on the breeze

Tonight we fly
Over the chimney tops
Skylights and slates -
Looking into all your lives
And wondering why
Happiness is so hard to find

Over the doctor, over the soldier
Over the farmer, over the poacher
Over the preacher, over the gambler
Over the teacher, over the rambler
Over the lawyer, over the dancer
Over the voyeur,over the builder and the destroyer,
Over the hills and far away

Tonight we fly
Over the mountains
The beach and the sea
Over the friends that we've known
And those that we now know
And those who we've yet to meet

And when we die Oh, will we be That disappointed Or sad If heaven doesn't exist What will we have missed This life is the best we've ever had

silence in the dark

"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

/ Tolstoj

Some years ago i used to say that i have the best of all families. Everybody is loving and caring. Okay... there's in every family somebody who's annoying you like hell, but that's the way it is.

After the death of my aunt and my grandma everything changed.

Maybe it's just true what others say: "You get to know your family not by the celebrations but by the tragedies".

Almost everybody is now bitching bout the money, the furnitures, the heritage itself, the problems with terminate the tenancy agreement of my aunt, my cousin and his former girlfriend (mother of his two daughters) are fighting about the kitchen furnitures of my aunt, he's also just making bullshit with the car & credit cards which we (my mom and me) couldn't terminate... because we didn't have the legal allowance to do something.

The worst part is that i can't get over it by now because we have to go like once a week to my aunts appartement to get papers and stuff. Everytime the same feeling when i see the sign below the bell... tears coming up, memories of the day she died, the crying, the anger, the self-reproaches.

i didn't have much contact with her in her last months. not much contact as i wanted but more then i could take. i couldn't play strong and funny. i couldn't take her knowing that i'd rather cry about her than talking about my day. i couldn't take the fake smile i put on when i entered the hospital and the real tears when i left. i couldn't take seeing her fighting... knowing that she won't win. but i went to her at least every two weeks. or more when i was strong enough. she knew i was coming back that morning. and she died before i was there. my mom said to me that she maybe died because she didn't want me to see
her dying like that.
and i keep asking myself:

did she love me so much? or did she love me so less that she didn't want
to see me?

and i wonder if i ever get over that.

A Scanner Darkly

What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me, into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly, because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again. I'll only wind up dead this way, knowing very little, and getting that little fragment wrong too.

Disturbing movie somehow.

link klick

hmpf

bewitching

mine.

again one coelho book that found its way to me when i was in dark moods.

hopefully the next one will come when i'm in high spirits.


still waiting / hoping.

wonders appear. every now and then.

somebody said to me today

Always follow your dreams and fight for them with faith.

thanks

Truth

“A cynic is a (wo)man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”

mind and heart

my mind tells me to stop hoping.

my heart tells me... that if i stop hoping it will simply break.

heart or mind? what is worth more?

some months ago i would have said: the mind!
but noticing the heart, even when it's in grief... is worth everything.

and so i go on hoping.

Maktub by coelho

It is easy to be difficult. All we have to do is stay away from people, and in that way, avoid suffering. That way, we don't have to risk love, disappointment, frustrated dreams. It is easy to be difficult. We don't have to be concerned about phone calls we should have made, people who ask us for help, charity that should be extended. It is easy to be difficult. We just have to pretend that we live in an ivory tower, and never shed a tear. We just have to spend the rest of our lives playing a role. It is easy to be difficult. All we have to do is reject everything good that life offers.

reality bites

so today we were in the flat of my aunt.

half of her belongings went somehow away (i guess that somehow has to do with my cousin), including master card, visa card etc.

then there were several letters... including one from the police telling that the car of my aunt was caught by a speed cam... 3.5 months after her death.

i know it might sound crazy but at first i thought that my family somehow fooled me... that it was untrue that she's dead. scary thing.

then i saw the pic made by the cam. it was my cousin in my aunt's car. and the very same night he also caused an accident.

wtf is wrong with that guy?

and my other aunts are bitching the whole time about the heritage of my aunt. as if it is fun for my mom and me to go back to the flat of my aunt again and again.

everytime my heart breaks a bit more.

“Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.”

today my mom and me will go to the flat of my aunt. we can finally start to clean up, putting all things together etc.

i don't want to go there.

no ma'am

could i...

stop checking my mails?


no.

sad to say so.

"love is to me that you are the knife which I turn within myself"

how is it... to love somebody.

what is this feeling... love?

is it the feeling i have with him, who seems to be the one since i met him. since i looked the first time into his eyes. the one who makes me cry when i think i can't "get" him and makes me happy when he's just talking. when he is smiling at me automatically when he sees me. who reacts on the sound of his name called in a full room. who can rip out my heart by one sentence...
whom i never can tell what i feel for him. whom i somehow never want to tell because then there are three possibilities.
1.) he runs away (and i somehow have the feeling he does already)
2.) he tells me that there is no chance
3.) he could say "yes" which is maybe the worst of all possibilities. i know his "mistakes", i would say i know him. and i'm really not sure if i want him to know the real me. the "dark sites"... my insecurities, my weakness, my failures, my ideas... my inner me.

or is it the feeling i have when i am with my boyfriend. feeling safe. feeling loved. but this love kills me slowly. and i don't really know why i go on.

oh wait... i know it. it's safe. because he won't get to know me. he doesn't really see me, but a picture of me. some sort of icon he wants to see. no place for me, but for an idea of me, for the mask i use to wear.
and i'm used to this mask.

maybe that's why i will never tell him. because i am so fucking afraid that there could be a person who can look behind the mask. and i'm afraid that i'm nothing without my mask... just me naked.

what leads us to the point.

am i nothing? am i nothing without him? or (and i'm quite assure that this thought is the one that bothers me most) am i nothing when i'm with him?

"I love you more than could be put into words.
And that is why it hurts so much to hear your voice,
to look into your eyes, and to hold you in my arms.
It hurts. It's the greatest pain I've ever known.
But it is a pain that I could never live without..."

good morning sunshine

“To translate, one must have a style of his own, for otherwise the translation will have no rhythm or nuance, which come from the process of artistically thinking through and molding the sentences; they cannot be reconstituted by piecemeal imitation. The problem of translation is to retreat to a simpler tenor of one's own style and creatively adjust this to one's author.”

Paul Goodman

Questions

Where does it come from—this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered? Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. But that's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope; never knowing for certain whom we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying.

Lost & Fight

What is the "immortal" part of a person?
What forces us to love somebody, to miss somebody?
The times we spent together, the blood we share, the fights we went through, the "good old days"?
Why do some people fight so much for their life while others throw theirs away?


___________________________________

I lost this year two of the most important persons in my life. My aunt died in january.
I so remember the night she died. And i do remember her fighting for life, how she tried to live a normal life even with cancer. I remember her laughing, when she was listening to my stories from work or about my vacations in slovenia.

she died before i could get to her. My mom told me maybe she wanted me not to see her in the end, because i should keep her in good memory. I do.

And i'm really proud that i could spend time with her. She was so strong, unbelievable.


My grandmom was also strong. Not on the fighting way, but strong from the heart. Till it broke when my aunt died.

Both women gave me so much love, dried my tears, gave me wings to fly.

And i do fucking miss them. Every day, every minute.

Words like raindrops

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

light of the day

beside the fact that i had to fight todays morning for the computer this morning is perfectly fitting to my mood... cold and grey.

have a coffee babe ;)

between darkness and light

i have the clearest moments when the sky has it's darkest. whenever lightning goes down and you hear the crack of a thunder... oh so close... and you feel the energy on your skin, in your hair, you feel the raindrops, somehow the world gets silent and loud, and these are the moments when you can hear your heart speaking.
no big things. just silly little snippets.

but they help you. the words carry the energy of the thunder and lightning in themselve.

so yesterday another silly little snippet:

"don't look for the sense in life... just be careful to never finding a reason for dying"

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”

/albert einstein

don't wonder if the posts are dated on times when i couldn't be online ;) i date some back to the moments when it happened resp. to the moments where i think it would perfrectly match to.

thanks for understanding. if you don't understand... let me tell you: you don't need to understand everything.

lightning-resistant

first post, first lightning.

what is it with people who think they are intelligent or sort of super-smart? most of these people don't have any social competences, are not able to make small talk... because it's in their eyes no sign of intelligence.

communication is a gift, a power and an art ~ if you act like you're too smart for it... you're to dumb for it.

Regrets

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

Dr Laurence J Peter

/signed