Donnerstag, 31. Mai 2007

"love is to me that you are the knife which I turn within myself"

how is it... to love somebody.

what is this feeling... love?

is it the feeling i have with him, who seems to be the one since i met him. since i looked the first time into his eyes. the one who makes me cry when i think i can't "get" him and makes me happy when he's just talking. when he is smiling at me automatically when he sees me. who reacts on the sound of his name called in a full room. who can rip out my heart by one sentence...
whom i never can tell what i feel for him. whom i somehow never want to tell because then there are three possibilities.
1.) he runs away (and i somehow have the feeling he does already)
2.) he tells me that there is no chance
3.) he could say "yes" which is maybe the worst of all possibilities. i know his "mistakes", i would say i know him. and i'm really not sure if i want him to know the real me. the "dark sites"... my insecurities, my weakness, my failures, my ideas... my inner me.

or is it the feeling i have when i am with my boyfriend. feeling safe. feeling loved. but this love kills me slowly. and i don't really know why i go on.

oh wait... i know it. it's safe. because he won't get to know me. he doesn't really see me, but a picture of me. some sort of icon he wants to see. no place for me, but for an idea of me, for the mask i use to wear.
and i'm used to this mask.

maybe that's why i will never tell him. because i am so fucking afraid that there could be a person who can look behind the mask. and i'm afraid that i'm nothing without my mask... just me naked.

what leads us to the point.

am i nothing? am i nothing without him? or (and i'm quite assure that this thought is the one that bothers me most) am i nothing when i'm with him?

"I love you more than could be put into words.
And that is why it hurts so much to hear your voice,
to look into your eyes, and to hold you in my arms.
It hurts. It's the greatest pain I've ever known.
But it is a pain that I could never live without..."

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