"love is to me that you are the knife which I turn within myself"

how is it... to love somebody.

what is this feeling... love?

is it the feeling i have with him, who seems to be the one since i met him. since i looked the first time into his eyes. the one who makes me cry when i think i can't "get" him and makes me happy when he's just talking. when he is smiling at me automatically when he sees me. who reacts on the sound of his name called in a full room. who can rip out my heart by one sentence...
whom i never can tell what i feel for him. whom i somehow never want to tell because then there are three possibilities.
1.) he runs away (and i somehow have the feeling he does already)
2.) he tells me that there is no chance
3.) he could say "yes" which is maybe the worst of all possibilities. i know his "mistakes", i would say i know him. and i'm really not sure if i want him to know the real me. the "dark sites"... my insecurities, my weakness, my failures, my ideas... my inner me.

or is it the feeling i have when i am with my boyfriend. feeling safe. feeling loved. but this love kills me slowly. and i don't really know why i go on.

oh wait... i know it. it's safe. because he won't get to know me. he doesn't really see me, but a picture of me. some sort of icon he wants to see. no place for me, but for an idea of me, for the mask i use to wear.
and i'm used to this mask.

maybe that's why i will never tell him. because i am so fucking afraid that there could be a person who can look behind the mask. and i'm afraid that i'm nothing without my mask... just me naked.

what leads us to the point.

am i nothing? am i nothing without him? or (and i'm quite assure that this thought is the one that bothers me most) am i nothing when i'm with him?

"I love you more than could be put into words.
And that is why it hurts so much to hear your voice,
to look into your eyes, and to hold you in my arms.
It hurts. It's the greatest pain I've ever known.
But it is a pain that I could never live without..."

good morning sunshine

“To translate, one must have a style of his own, for otherwise the translation will have no rhythm or nuance, which come from the process of artistically thinking through and molding the sentences; they cannot be reconstituted by piecemeal imitation. The problem of translation is to retreat to a simpler tenor of one's own style and creatively adjust this to one's author.”

Paul Goodman

Questions

Where does it come from—this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered? Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. But that's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope; never knowing for certain whom we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying.

Lost & Fight

What is the "immortal" part of a person?
What forces us to love somebody, to miss somebody?
The times we spent together, the blood we share, the fights we went through, the "good old days"?
Why do some people fight so much for their life while others throw theirs away?


___________________________________

I lost this year two of the most important persons in my life. My aunt died in january.
I so remember the night she died. And i do remember her fighting for life, how she tried to live a normal life even with cancer. I remember her laughing, when she was listening to my stories from work or about my vacations in slovenia.

she died before i could get to her. My mom told me maybe she wanted me not to see her in the end, because i should keep her in good memory. I do.

And i'm really proud that i could spend time with her. She was so strong, unbelievable.


My grandmom was also strong. Not on the fighting way, but strong from the heart. Till it broke when my aunt died.

Both women gave me so much love, dried my tears, gave me wings to fly.

And i do fucking miss them. Every day, every minute.

Words like raindrops

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

light of the day

beside the fact that i had to fight todays morning for the computer this morning is perfectly fitting to my mood... cold and grey.

have a coffee babe ;)

between darkness and light

i have the clearest moments when the sky has it's darkest. whenever lightning goes down and you hear the crack of a thunder... oh so close... and you feel the energy on your skin, in your hair, you feel the raindrops, somehow the world gets silent and loud, and these are the moments when you can hear your heart speaking.
no big things. just silly little snippets.

but they help you. the words carry the energy of the thunder and lightning in themselve.

so yesterday another silly little snippet:

"don't look for the sense in life... just be careful to never finding a reason for dying"

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”

/albert einstein

don't wonder if the posts are dated on times when i couldn't be online ;) i date some back to the moments when it happened resp. to the moments where i think it would perfrectly match to.

thanks for understanding. if you don't understand... let me tell you: you don't need to understand everything.

lightning-resistant

first post, first lightning.

what is it with people who think they are intelligent or sort of super-smart? most of these people don't have any social competences, are not able to make small talk... because it's in their eyes no sign of intelligence.

communication is a gift, a power and an art ~ if you act like you're too smart for it... you're to dumb for it.

Regrets

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

Dr Laurence J Peter

/signed