"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

/ Tolstoj

Some years ago i used to say that i have the best of all families. Everybody is loving and caring. Okay... there's in every family somebody who's annoying you like hell, but that's the way it is.

After the death of my aunt and my grandma everything changed.

Maybe it's just true what others say: "You get to know your family not by the celebrations but by the tragedies".

Almost everybody is now bitching bout the money, the furnitures, the heritage itself, the problems with terminate the tenancy agreement of my aunt, my cousin and his former girlfriend (mother of his two daughters) are fighting about the kitchen furnitures of my aunt, he's also just making bullshit with the car & credit cards which we (my mom and me) couldn't terminate... because we didn't have the legal allowance to do something.

The worst part is that i can't get over it by now because we have to go like once a week to my aunts appartement to get papers and stuff. Everytime the same feeling when i see the sign below the bell... tears coming up, memories of the day she died, the crying, the anger, the self-reproaches.

i didn't have much contact with her in her last months. not much contact as i wanted but more then i could take. i couldn't play strong and funny. i couldn't take her knowing that i'd rather cry about her than talking about my day. i couldn't take the fake smile i put on when i entered the hospital and the real tears when i left. i couldn't take seeing her fighting... knowing that she won't win. but i went to her at least every two weeks. or more when i was strong enough. she knew i was coming back that morning. and she died before i was there. my mom said to me that she maybe died because she didn't want me to see
her dying like that.
and i keep asking myself:

did she love me so much? or did she love me so less that she didn't want
to see me?

and i wonder if i ever get over that.